Beauty Is An Inside Job

I was an avid fan of the show What Not to Wear, which aired on the TLC channel on basic cable from 2003-2013. The premise of the show was simple: two clever, insightful stylists would ambush a person (usually a woman) who had questionable fashion sense. The subject had been nominated by well-meaning family, friends, or coworkers. If she agreed to cooperate, she’d get a head-to-toe makeover. It didn’t take long to discover that the grandmother who dressed like a stripper or the young bank teller who hid herself in dowdy, oversized clothing almost always had issues far more complex than what was in their closet. Their clothing was a disguise meant to cover up a painful past or a damaged sense of self.

I paid homage to the show in a piece I penned for Christianity Today at the beginning of its final season. At that time, I wrote:

No one will ever mistake me for a fashionista, in part because I really do love my Birkenstocks, but [the show has] reminded me for the last decade that the way I present myself to the world tells a story about who I am, and who I am becoming.

Some might view a basic cable TV program about makeovers as just another unreal reality show starring vanity, but What Not To Wear has been for me a small reminder that transformation is my birthright, and beauty is an inside job.

I am still learning those lessons. I was never considered one of the pretty girls. I logged lots of hours in my youth aspiring to mimic our culture’s standards of beauty, straightening my dark, wiry hair and applying lightening agent Sun-In to it with the hope that I would wake up looking like blonde actress Farah Fawcett. I crawled the mall looking for the outfits worn by the cool kids. Now when I look back at images of myself as a young teen, I remember vividly how hard I was trying not just to fit in, but to be seen by the world as beautiful. Pretty girls had social power and boyfriends. I had neither.

To be honest, I didn’t always find much comfort in the Bible when it came to rightly assessing the value of my appearance. After all, in Genesis 12:11-20, I read that Sarah was gorgeous even though she was at the age where she would have been eligible for Medicare. Scripture reports in Genesis 29 that Jacob was swept off his feet by the beautiful Rachel, and not at all interested in her “weak-eyed” sister Leah.

Though I recognized that passages like Proverbs 31:30 offered balancing perspective on appearance (“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”), I still invested a lot of my energy during my twenties and thirties trying extra hard to be fashionable. I decided that if I couldn’t be pretty, I could camouflage myself with faddish, trendy outfits. I suspect the hosts of What Not to Wear would have seen right through the disguises I donned to cover my sense of shame and inadequacy.

Designer Coco Chanel said, “Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.” Learning to become comfortable in my own skin has been one of the unexpected gifts of midlife for me. I didn’t have a sudden epiphany that led to sudden self-acceptance. Instead, a growing sense of confidence about who I was (and who I would never be, which included Farah Fawcett) was a byproduct of life-stage appropriate spiritual development and growth [1]. While midlife was disorienting for me in many ways, I remain grateful that entering the second half of my life gave me new lenses through which to view myself. As I’ve embraced who God made me to be, and allowed myself to be embraced by his love for me, I’ve slowly but surely laid aside my shame-based habit of coveting an imaginary me that had blonde hair and a date to prom.

That slow-dawning epiphany actually didn’t have much impact on my evolving fashion sense, which moved from faddish stuff in the Juniors department to simpler looks. What has changed is my relationship with my appearance. And this despite the fact that I am heavier than I once was. My wild curls are now graying (though I hope at some point to throw in couple of a temporary purple streaks just for the fun of it). My skin is sagging. But I am more convinced than ever that the words I wrote a decade ago are true: Transformation is my birthright as God’s beloved daughter, and beauty is indeed an inside job.

In practical terms, this means I usually have the good sense to bypass current fashion fads like the sock + sandal combo in this number from Target’s spring line. I am either too old or too young for this look:

It also means I have perspective. My husband and I now live in a community with both a sizable Amish and Old Order Mennonite population and a regular influx of stylish European tourists. Whether it is the 1700’s simplicity of the garb of the Plain People, the timeless elegance of a Parisian visitor, or the colorful tees and stretchy black shorts that are my current everyday uniform, each person’s fashion choices tell the watching world a story about the wearer’s origins, social circle, cultural influences, and values. However, I learned from What Not To Wear that no matter what outfit I don, fashion can be a disguise that attempts to hide who I really am–a gambit as old as Eden. Or it can be a frame that showcases the kind of confidence that comes from growing ever more comfortable in my own skin.

How has your relationship with fashion and beauty evolved since you were young? We’d love to hear your reflections!

You are beautiful, Sages.

In Him,

Michelle Van Loon

[1] Note: I write about these stages of faith at length in this book.

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Additional Thoughts on Fashion from Members of the Sage Forum Team

One of my nieces decided to study sustainable fashion in college. I confess, I had to ask her to explain the term to me. The more she talked, the more she made me think. What would happen if less clothing ended up in landfills every year? What if as a society we learned to view clothing differently by learning to shop less, repair and remake garments more, and buy secondhand? Might we help preserve this earth that God gave us?

With my niece’s voice in my head, I have become more purposeful about donating and purchasing clothing at local secondhand stores as well as the online store ThredUP. I have enjoyed the process.

Once in a while, I do enjoy purchasing a new sweater or pair of jeans, but I know that I no longer need to build or replenish a work wardrobe. I can happily spend my days in jeans and flannel shirts. (I have, however, become adamant about buying good shoes to support my aging knees and hips.) —Afton

"Cut it,” I said to my hairdresser, “I’m done.” I pulled at my tresses, which flew this way and that. “I can’t stand my hair, blowing around and falling into my eyes.”

“All right,” my hairdresser said with undisguised zeal. She grabbed a styling razor. Minutes later, hair covered the floor around me. Instead of a cute bob, the back of my head looked like a pixie.

Hair is the easiest thing to change about yourself, easier than losing weight or getting in shape. Getting a haircut is also the fastest ch-ch-change.

I stopped coloring my hair when we moved to the mountains in 2012. Now I rarely shop for shoes or clothes, and only to replace what has worn out. Yup, I'm no longer advertisers' target audience.—Carole (Note: read more of Carole’s story here)

Related Links on Fashion and Beauty Over 40:

Madonna’s Face Is Not Subversive

A variety of voices weigh in on the topic at ThePerennialGen.com

How I Escaped the Tyranny of the Prophets of Beauty

In the cosmetic surgery capitol of the world, some women are choosing to embrace their gray hair and changing appearance

Quiz: What’s your fashion footprint?

Her granddaughter brought her 1940’s fashion sketches to life during the pandemic

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This month’s media picks from the Sage Forum team

[BOOK] Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt is a delightful novel with a giant Pacific octopus, Marcellus, as a main character who gets to know Tova Sullivan, a 70 year old widow who needs to keep busy so she works the night shift cleaning at the aquarium in Sowell Bay, Washington. Tova’s son died 30 years ago and she has never had peace about how or why it happened. Cameron, a 30 year old who can’t keep a job, got kicked out of his band, and is sleeping on a friends couch, also ends up working at the aquarium. The book is about loneliness, the importance of family and community, and how sometimes in spite of ourselves, we can find it, or maybe it finds us. (JA)

[VIDEO–Netflix] I’m currently watching Emily in Paris. My kids are quite surprised that I’ve taken to this series but I’m enjoying the humorous, and somewhat clichéd, take on the clashes between American and French cultures and views of morality. All credit to Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins – who knew?) who plays Emily, but the bigger star, and the real reason I enjoy it as much as I do, is the city of Paris itself. (RC)

[BOOK] A few weeks ago, a friend requested that I take part in a UK national radio station’s debate on gender pronouns for God. Though I said a couple of worthwhile things, I came away thinking that I need to be more biblically informed. So, I read Amy Peeler’s book Women and the Gender of God which is both detailed and solidly biblical. (RC)

[BOOK] Jane Sigloh's Like Trees Walking: In the Second Half of Life and Gracious Uncertainty: Faith in the Second Half of Life are collections of short essays. Sigloh, a retired Episcopal priest who writes about faith and aging, offers a blend of memoir, scripture, literary references, and reflection that deliver wisdom with honesty, humility, and humor. (CD)

[PODCAST + MUSIC] I recently discovered The Stories That Make Us: An Enneagram Podcast. Best friends Sawyer and Scott interview live guests about their Enneagram types. These fascinating, honest, empathetic conversations among friends end with suggested type-specific breath prayers. Some of the best Enneagram material I've encountered. In addition to his podcast, Sawyer Whitted also produced an album of songs for each Enneagram type. The affirming, specific lyrics all have vastly unique, intricate melodies.  I return to Enneasongs frequently. (AR)

[BOOK] I like the mix of story, research, and practical suggestions in the book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep Friends by Marisa G. Franco, PhD. I am reading it slowly and underlining frequently. Franco states, "I must admit I have an agenda in writing this book: to help create a world that is kinder, friendlier, more loving." Oh, yes! (AR)

Sage feedback from our readers

In last month’s Sage Forum newsletter, we explored the topic of mentoring. We got some great feedback from readers:

I love mentoring. Even when it used to be called 'discipling' back in the day. I wrote a tiny book on it called Table Mentoring: A Simple Guide to Coming Alongside. I've been blessed to be in a mentoring relationship forthe last 25 years and speak on it regularly. –Sue Donaldson

Organic Mentoring: A Mentor’s Guide to Relationships with Next Generation Women by Sue Edwards and Barbara Neumann was a huge help to me in understanding the younger generations. As a new member of a very young church, I experienced frequent frustrations with how the young women did things. Reading this book helped me to understand them better. –Andrea Sanborn

The greatest advice I ever received from my mentor is: You minister from what's overflowing. First I need to be filled by God's Holy Spirit, by a daily feeding in His word and His ways, then and only then will I have something of value to serve others with. If my cup is not full to overflowing, then I'll be serving on my own strength which will tax me to the limit and be less than effective. –Libby Taylor-Worden

Sage Convos

Sage Forum contributors Afton Rorvik and Michelle Van Loon discuss in this 30-minute video what it is like to relocate cross-country at this stage of our lives, offering insight, empathy, and practical advice to others who may be facing a change of zip code–whether across the street or across the country.

We’ll be populating our dedicated You Tube channel with more of these kinds of conversations. Check it out or subscribe here.

Watch your inbox for a Sage Forum Extra – a mid-month short bit of inspiration tailored to our wisdom-seeking readers.

Our June newsletter will focus on relationships with our adult children. What questions do you have on the topic? What wisdom would you like to pass on to our readers?