Dancing With A Limp
In the second half of life, death marks our time as much as weddings and birthdays did in the first half of our lives. This is not to suggest that the first half didn’t come with losses–many of us carry the grief of untimely deaths of spouses, relatives, friends, and children. But most of us discover that the losses seem to accumulate more rapidly in the second half of our lives. Just one example: During the last week saw the deaths of both my 63 year-old sister-in-law and a gentleman that lived in my neighborhood.
As grief has become an increasingly familiar companion during these years, I have found writer Anne Lamott’s observation to be true:
You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
I don’t believe we are meant to “get over it” or heal perfectly, because to do so would erase the meaning of that relationship in our lives. Instead, as Sages, we learn to walk (and perhaps eventually dance) with a limp.
This month, we have a very special guest post from our friend Judy Douglass. Judy is a veteran writer and speaker who has traveled the world many times over. She has a beloved book, prayer ministry, and a podcast targeted at parents of prodigals. And a year ago, she lost her beloved husband after a long and fruitful marriage. In the wake of his death, she is learning to dance with a limp, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts on what the early stages of this journey has looked like for her.
This newsletter also includes some additional resources on grief, some media picks from our team, and some upcoming events and opportunities to share your work with our audience.
Learning to dance with a limp,
Michelle Van Loon for the Sage Forum team
My First Year Without Steve
By Judy Douglass
On an October Friday night, as Steve and I were sitting down to watch a movie, he noticed a call on his phone--from his oncologist. You don’t want to get a call on a Friday night from your oncologist.
This wonderful doctor had walked with Steve through two bouts with melanomas on his scalp. Both had been successfully removed. But his latest PET scan revealed several melanomas on internal organs. The good news: new immunotherapy was very effective, and carried only a small chance of an autoimmune reaction.
His second infusion sent us to the ER as Steve’s reaction attacked his muscles. At the end of 10 days in ICU, my three children, Steve’s brother, and I left him in God’s hands, then watched his color drain, his eyes close, his body relax—and he left.
We all huddled together. All I could pray was “Thank You for this wonderful man, for the privilege of being family to him, for having his love for You and service to You touch our lives in such powerful ways. Thank You for ending his suffering and taking him Home to glory.”
And since then, entangled with many tears, I have continued to be grateful.
Repeatedly I was asked by caring people, “How are you doing?” Of course, it has been so very hard.
I miss him always. We talked through most everything in our lives. Time and again I find myself wanting to get his thoughts on my work, an opportunity, or on the children and grands.
The empty side of the bed has been one of the hardest things. Another challenges has been cooking for one, and even grocery shopping as I pass by the things I would buy for him. Going to social gatherings alone. Making my own coffee. Putting out the trash. Handling the finances.
But so many things have lifted, encouraged, and blessed me including:
My family: They all were with me for the memorial service. They check on me and stay in touch. I spent holidays and much of the summer visiting my children and grands, all of which has been a source of joy.
My friends: They took care of so much in the months after Steve left, got me Door Dash cards, invited me to go with them to events, prayed with me and for me, and continue to be available. Many gave me books on grieving and learning to live in a new way—I have only been ready to read them recently.
My ministry, Cru: (Note: Steve was the President Emeritus of Cru/Campus Crusade for Christ, and Judy served alongside of him throughout their long ministry with the organization.) They helped me through lots of financial details, invited me to events we would have normally done together, gave me lots of freedom as I navigated this first year. They loved me and prayed for me.
In addition to the love and care from family, friends and Cru, I had the great privilege to represent my husband in a number of ways:
Our church from the time when we lived in California had invited Steve to preach at their annual missions conference—they asked me to come in his place. A number of different ministries he had collaborated with in significant ways asked me to accepts awards on his behalf.
One of my favorite opportunities was to speak at an Asian gathering we had together helped to grow. The topic they gave me was Leaving a Legacy—and Steve was my model.
Throughout this year I have had long—often tearful--conversations with God, asking Him many questions. Always He has comforted and encouraged me. Several times He has responded clearly. These two answers have been powerfully helpful to me:
On the night my sweet husband left, I cried out: “How am I supposed to live now?” God said, “I will be with You.” He has affirmed that over and over, giving me what I need most.
I also asked, “Why did he have to leave now?” God’s reply filled me with gratitude and hope: “I wanted to be kind to Him.” God knew what suffering lay before him if he lived. It was kindness that took him Home.
In a sweet irony, God used our hard journey with our prodigal son and my learning to give thanks in everything through it, to enable me to say—over and over again—"Thank You, Lord” through flowing tears and treasured remembrances.
Now, after a year without my husband, I still get asked, “How are you doing?’
I still miss him terribly, cry often but not as often, resist doing the finances, procrastinate on restoring needed order at home.
But God is so faithful. He gives me peace and courage. He reveals new ways I am trusting Him. And He reminds me of the joys, the blessings, the beauty of 47 years married to this wonderful man.
Additional resources on the topic of grief
Help for Parent Loss. The author of the Parent Loss page, Lois Flowers, also has an instagram account with additional thoughts and resources for those who’ve lost a parent: https://www.instagram.com/rememberingourparents/
Personal reflections of grief of all kinds at ThePerennailGen.com
A helpful roundup of good books and other resources on grief
GriefShare support group network offers local care groups and more
November Media Picks From The Sage Team
[BOOK] Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live, by Becca Levy, PhD. Interesting book detailing research into ageism and how what we believe impacts our own health and well-being. Levy writes, “This is one of the most harmful things about negative age stereotypes: they don’t only color our actions and judgments toward other people; often, they influence how we think about ourselves, and these thoughts—if they are not counteracted—can impact how we feel and act.” (JA)
[VIDEO-Netflix] Critical Thinking–This 2020 gem is based on the true story of a Miami teacher who inspires his at-risk students with the game of chess. John Leguizamo’s direction and acting bring freshness and life to this classic underdog story. (MV)
[BOOK and MOVIE IN THEATERS NOW] Killers of the Flower Moon by David Grann. The story is about the cruel and heartbreaking treatment and murder of hundreds of Osage in 1920s Oklahoma. It’s well researched, well written and an important piece of history. The book is definitely worth reading, but the movie (with more than a three-hour running time) is way too long. The book is infinitely better. (JA)
[BOOK] Christian Caregiving: A Way of Life by Kenneth C. Haugk. Written by the founder and executive director of Stephen Ministries, Christian Caregiving is a practical guide for those called to care, meaning all Christians. Topics include God as the Cure-giver, Servanthood vs. Servitude, The Evangelism-Caring Connection, and Celebrate Results—but Focus on the Process. What sets Christian caregiving apart? Faith in action. (CD)
[PODCAST] The Economics of Everyday Things. Produced by the Freakonomics team, these short, entertaining podcasts look at stories behind items most of us rarely consider including used hotel soaps, pizza boxes, and cadavers. (MV)
What are you reading, watching, or listening to this month?
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Upcoming
Next month’s topic: Hospitality! Though many of us focus on hospitality during the holidays, the best hospitality flows out of our everyday experiences. If you have a resource on the topic (book, website, podcast) you’d like to recommend, please send it our way.
HopeWords 2024: The slate of speakers at the HopeWords 2024 writer’s conference includes Daniel Nayeri, the author of Everything Sad Is Untrue, along with a fantastic mix of other writers. Click here to learn more. Some from the Sage Forum team will be there, and we’re hosting a special gathering for our friends the morning of April 12th before HopeWords kicks off later that afternoon! Click here to contact us if you’d like to be added to our list for more information about our gathering.
Photos by Pim Chu, Jakob Owens on Unsplash
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me… —Psalm 23:4a (NASB)
This couldn’t have been easy to write, and yet in sharing your wrenching question (“How am I supposed to live now”?) you have blazed a trail for all of us, because not one of us will escape loss if we live long enough.
Judy,
Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully. It must have been a challenging year, but as you said, God is faithful. Your experience brings light to those who are struggling in darkness.