Menopause and Anger
We may have been able to mute it at an earlier stage in our lives, but at menopause, anger can make itself known in surprising, necessary ways
We are having a conversation this fall in this newsletter about the spiritual side of menopause. We’ve found no better guide for this particular discussion than Dr. Cheryl Bridges Johns, a respected theologian who has explored God’s purposes in this developmental stage of life in her 2020 book Seven Transforming Gifts of Menopause: An Unexpected Spiritual Journey.
Our writing team will be reflecting on the book a chapter at a time. Today’s reflection is written by author and podcaster Pamela Nichols. Something tells me that a lot of you will resonate with her words on today’s hot topic: anger.
You don’t need to purchase the book to follow along (though you may find you wish to add it to your library!). And if you keep reading, you’ll discover an opportunity to win a copy of a brand-new book by a friend of this newsletter, Mary DeMuth.
Grateful for you, Sages!
On behalf of the Sage Forum Team,
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Chapter 3: The Gift of Anger
by Pamela Nichols
Stories abound regarding the complexities of menopause—weight gain, hot flashes, memory loss, and the like. Some are funny; others are far from it. But the one that seems to send everyone scurrying is anger: red-hot, arising out of nowhere, then dissipating just as quickly. For some, the errant emotion cools and hardens into personality-altering resentment and regret. While we joke and commiserate about weight, inner heat and forgetfulness, anger is the menopausal trope that is whispered.
Though men are often given a pass for momentary outbursts, society frowns upon the fury of a woman. She’s mean, uncontrollable, belligerent, out of her mind. So when messy moods accompany hormonal shifts, everyone runs for cover. And she’s left feeling shamed, alone and unruly; apologizing, pleading, trying to manage the offending wrath, the personification of a train wreck. But what to do, really? It’s all out of her control until the next time. And there will be a next time.
Cheryl Bridges Johns offers a different perspective. In Chapter 3 of The Seven Transforming Gifts of Menopause, she describes anger not as something to fear or suppress, but as an invitation for growth and the recognition of deeper truths about ourselves and our lives.
Ma’am what??
But she’s right. During the two years before my marriage ended, I was mad as hell. I chalked it up to menopausal machinations compounded by family issues, failed relationships, the presidential election, and the stock market, in that order.
My prayers alternated from pleas for God to make me less of a Christian heathen to borrowing from one of David’s petitions to ‘strike all my enemies on the jaw and break the teeth of the wicked’ (Psalm 3:7).
Neither prayer crossed the ceiling.
More than anything, I needed to get gut-level honest with God. After decades of stuffing, hiding, taking the high road, and people-pleasing, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how.
Menopause puts an end to all that. This is the author’s point.
I must say she occasionally meanders in her explanations, and some examples felt only loosely tied to menopause and others had nothing to do with the change of life at all. Still, I found her insights meaningful once I held them up against my own experiences. In that light, her message came alive.
During this season, Johns writes, anger often arrives hand in hand with old wounds, disappointments, and injustices previously pushed aside while we were busy caring for others. Though the emotions can feel intense and overwhelming, they also point in another direction: a request for acknowledgement and healing. In that sense, anger is a truth-teller.
Menopause symptom-sufferers often wail about the desire to return to the way things were, when in fact, this season is the chance to move forward in truth and light.
Women often take nurturing and caretaking to the nth degree — covering sin, ignoring slights, and turning a blind eye to deception and wrongdoing, both theirs and others.
I love words, not science, so I can’t explain why estrogen comes across as the background co-conspirator, whispering, “Keep the peace, don’t make waves” until hormone levels shift and the psyche says, “Enough of all that. It’s time to get right.” The anger that accompanies menopause is the crack in the door that allows us to step into our sage years with clarity and focus—even if it feels anything but at the time.
According to the author, it’s not only emotional work—it’s holy work, a necessary step toward freedom and wholeness. I agree.
In hindsight, I can see that my marriage had been barreling towards a cliff for years, yet I ignored the signs, shifted blame, and kept up the ‘good Christian woman’ façade until it nearly broke me. I overlooked the ancestral patterns that were equal partners in the union and prayed backward prayers that circled the problem but never touched the core issue. I let anger simmer until it erupted, then wore the shame and blame like a champ. I did everything but tell God the truth—mostly because, by then, I could no longer identify it.
When we fully acknowledge our anger, we begin to see what we should have said yes to, or how life might have unfolded differently if we’d had the courage to say no. We notice where we’ve silenced ourselves to keep the peace and what we’ve tolerated for far too long. We begin to clearly see the difference between walls and boundaries.
The result is sobering self-awareness—a kind of sacred sorrow that signals growth, healing, and release.
It is what God seeks —not perfection or performance, but a softened spirit and a surrendered heart. In this space, anger becomes less about outrage and more about revelation. It uncovers the places where truth and tenderness can finally meet.
As the author explains, this holy reckoning is not punishment. It’s purification; the refining fire that burns away pretense and prepares us for freedom.
It is a gift.
What about you? As you’ve moved through perimenopause and into menopause, has anger been a surprise guest? Do you see it as a gift or a problem - or both?
Enter to win this brand-new book!
In a newsletter that talks about anger, we are delighted to offer a short devotional book that at first glance, might seem as though it is offering a contrary message to our discussion. But Mary DeMuth’s lovely new devotional volume is an excellent companion to the conversation..The book’s description captures DeMuth’s posture toward the topic of surrender: “In The Freedom of Surrender, author Mary DeMuth invites you to journey through forty days of entrusting specific areas of your life to God―your inner struggles, your family, your expectations, your regrets, your ministry, your grief, your relationships, your job, your health, your finances, your future, and more. Every daily devotion includes Scripture, prayer, and Mary’s original art that help you cast each care on the One who cares for you.”
Click the button below to send us your NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS (US residents only) before midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, October 28th. One winner will be chosen at random.
Please join us for the next chapter in our discussion in two weeks, which takes a look at the way menopause is designed by God to unveil our true self.
Photo by TopSphere Media on Unsplash
“Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.” --Ephesians 4:26-27 MSG
Being close to thirty years past menopause I can attest to recalling unexpected anger that was clearly hormones. I wrote an essay about a fight I had with a bunch of tangled hangers. The point was buried in the analogy. I get that no one in the middle wants to hear from someone who is long past this life passage but I will gladly pass this on to my two daughters and daughter in law - all of whom are in the middle. It is something of a double whammy when empty nest coincides with menopause. All I can say is - And this too shall pass.