New chapter, same story
Welcome, Perennial Gen and Wonder Years Gathering readers - as well as new friends.
Women over 40, we see you.
Whether it is our culture’s emphasis on youth and beauty, or church communities that put a lot of focus on attracting families with school-aged children, many maturing women find themselves feeling as though their voices, experiences, gifts, and questions don’t always fit in the roles they may have inhabited when they were younger. As a result, many older women tell me they sometimes feel invisible.
The second half of life is full of change, challenge, and fresh opportunity. God is not calling any of us to shift into neutral and coast to the finish line. Nor is he asking us to approach this new time in our lives the same way we would if we were sixteen or twenty-five. (Besides, do any of us really want to wear those 1980’s neon leg warmers again?)
We’ve combined ThePerennialGen.com blog featuring the voices of maturing women (and a few men) and the gathering/seminar focus of TheWonderYearsGathering.com into a brand-new initiative – TheSageForum.com. The Sage Forum exists to equip, encourage, and empower women over 40 to mature in faith and grow in wisdom. Visit our website to learn more about where we’ve been and where we hope to go.
We’re moving from a blog-based website to this monthly newsletter, designed just for women over 40. We write from a faith-rooted perspective, and hope to welcome many new friends to our ongoing conversation. Each month, we’ll focus on a specific theme with a helpful article, some related links, a corresponding spiritual practice, along with some recommendations for interesting books, videos, and podcasts for sage women.
This month’s topic is friendship – as navigating changing relationships often marks this time of our lives.
We’ll also be hosting some online book clubs and seminars led by sage voices who will address some of the challenges and questions we face in the second half of our lives. We’ve got our first Sage Forum Book Club scheduled – and it’s free!
Whether you’re facing the echo of an empty nest, caregiving responsibilities, workplace issues, health challenges, faith questions, prodigal young adult children, singleness, marriage, or more, our team is looking forward to the kind of connection and rich conversation that happens among wise, authentic friends.
Seeking to grow in God’s wisdom together with you,
Michelle Van Loon
Why Bother with Friendship?
by Afton Rorvik
A pair of rose and black socks, gifted from a friend, reside in my sock drawer and proclaim: “I’m introverting. Go away!”
Funny! Or not.
When I look at these socks, I can’t help but grimace. They represent for me a struggle I face every day.
I am an introvert. But I also love God, and I know that He calls me to love others.
So . . . do I slip on my socks and tell people to go away, or do I slip onto my knees and ask God for the courage to walk out my door and live as His hands and feet as I interact with people?
Why Bother Reaching for People?
In my quest to understand my own introversion and reconcile it with my faith in God, I have turned often to 1 Corinthians 12:14-22 (MSG):
A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, transparent and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.
But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn’t be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, “Get lost; I don’t need you”? Or, Head telling Foot, “You’re fired; your job has been phased out”?
I cannot really imagine my eye telling my hand, “Get lost; I don’t need you,” but the thought of it makes me giggle. So does imagining my head saying to my foot, “You’re fired; your job has been phased out.”
And yet so much of what I hear about introversion echoes some version of these sentiments: “Get lost . . . You’re fired . . . “
“I’m an introvert. I just don’t need social interaction with other people.”
“People irritate me. I would rather hang out with my dog.”
In his book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, author Adam McHugh succinctly describes the dilemma Jesus-loving introverts face: “Herein lies the deep irony in a Christian view of introversion: as followers of Jesus, even introverted ones, our ultimate identity is never found in aloneness, but it is found in relationship to another.”
How Can an Introvert Reach for People?
Through lots of trial and error, I keep working to own my introverted voice while still reaching for people and not pressuring myself to don a fake introvert persona. These tips help.
Start with prayer.
Prayer suits the introvert so well because it doesn’t require spoken words. I can curl up in my cozy chair alone and ask God to do His good work in the lives of friends, family members, neighbors, coworkers, and even strangers. Yet, as I consistently pray for these people (based on lists I keep tucked in the pages of my Bible), my heart inevitably pulls toward them and toward starting a face-to-face conversation.
Connect with written words.
Like many introverts, I do not think well on my feet (or on the phone). I do, however, love “messing” with words to come up with a cogent, clear sentence in an email or hand-written note. I have learned to start a connection with people through a Facebook message, a text, an email, or even a snail-mail card.
Enter large events with a strategy.
If I want to live connected, I know that I must participate in some large group events: a Bible study, a party, a retreat, a conference . . . Sigh! These loud, dense events wear me out the most of any people interaction. After many misfires, I have finally learned to walk into big events with a strategy. That strategy includes the following
1. Before I go to a big event, I fill my emotional tank with quiet and prayer.
2. I do NOT force myself to “work the room.” I count an event a success if I have one or two semi-meaningful conversations.
3. I enter a room with a list of mental questions: “What brought you here today? Who do you know at this event? What have you enjoyed so far?”
4. I look for one or two people on the fringe who may feel as uncomfortable as I do and introduce myself.
5. I give myself permission to take a bathroom break or leave the event early when I feel my people-fatigue meter activating.
6. I refuel my emotional tank post-event with more quiet and more prayer and try to give myself quiet space the following day.
God did not make a mistake when He wired some of His people as introverts, just as He did not make a mistake when He created our human bodies with hands, feet, eyes, ears, a head . . .
Instead of saying, “God, why didn’t you make me more like my extroverted husband who thrives in a room full of people?” I have learned to say, “God, thank you for giving me your good gift of introversion, a gift that truly does help me live connected in a quiet, thoughtful sort of way.”
We introverts CAN (and should) live connected. Because of Jesus.
If you want to learn more about living connected as an introvert, check out Afton Rorvik’s book Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Friendship, available on Amazon, Christianbook.com, or your favorite independent bookstore. You can also request your local library order a copy.
More from around the web on friendship:
How Many Close Friendships Do You Really Need?
How to Make Friends at Midlife
Why Friendships Matter More Than Ever As We Age
The Difficulties of Making Friends in Your 40’s – and How to Make It Easier
Becoming All Things to All People
What we’re reading, watching, and listening to this month
Blank Canvas by Marcy Gregg: The true story of a woman who experiences life-changing obstacles: a coma after the birth of her third child, permanent memory loss, alcoholism, a fall that shatters her knee, and now rheumatoid arthritis. Only by admitting the truth and putting her faith in the Lord can she face these challenges head-on and overcome. (CD)
Beautiful People Don't Just Happen by Scott Sauls: This is my favorite book by Scott Sauls to date, because he shares himself as a deeply flawed human being—we all are—and takes us down into the basement where fingers point inward in confession instead outward in blame. We are not good, Sauls rightly states, and so “…our esteem can be derived not from a sense of our own goodness but from belief in the goodness of God.” (My book review blog post: https://caroleduff.com/2022/06/27/beautiful-people-dont-just-happen/) (CD)
The Forgotten Life of Eva Gordon by LInda MacKillop. MacKillop masterfully portrays the interior life of a fictional woman struggling with early dementia, including troubled memories of her fractured past and her struggle to forgive herself and others. (AR)
Night Sky (Amazon Prime Video): This thoughtful science fiction series features veteran actors Sissy Spacek and J.K. Simmons, who you may recognize as the guy in the Farmer’s Insurance commercials, as they navigate grief, aging, and a mysterious portal in their back yard. (MV)
Somebody Feed Phil (Netflix): Mix food and travel with a curious and engaging host, and you get five seasons of warm and watchable viewing. Phil Rosenthal, the creator of the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, invites viewers to tag along with him as he explores places ranging from Marrakesh to Chicago, dining at markets and high end restaurants, having grand adventures and making new friends everywhere he goes. (MV)
What are you reading, watching, or listening to this month? Click here to drop us a line and let us know!
The Sage Forum Book Club #1
Maybe it’s time to befriend your past.
"As I grow older, I long to know more about the people in my family tree. This timely book helps me reconcile the people and places that make up my genealogy. Translating Your Past: Finding Meaning in Family Ancestry, Genetic Clues, and Generational Trauma is a gift box for every reader, reminding us that our story is a valuable mosaic, carefully woven together by the Author of life. Michelle Van Loon's words welcome us to behold our beautiful and broken family history through a redemptive lens, assuring us that we are indeed part of God's good work!" - Bestselling author Dorena Williamson
Our first Sage Forum Book Club is slated for September 8th, 15th, and 22nd at 7 PM Eastern time. Michelle Van Loon will be leading three 45-minute interactive sessions via Zoom surrounding the content of her latest book. We’ll explore why our unique family history matters, take a look at the effect of trauma and challenge in our family’s past, and talk about the gift of legacy we are creating now with our lives. Purchase of the book is recommended, but not required, and there is no charge for this event.
Spiritual Practice for the Month
“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT)
Perfume and incense in this Bible passage aren’t pointing to the stuff you might purchase at Bath and Body Works. Instead, they are referencing the heaven-meets-earth scent of worship of God. A friend’s sage words can connect us to them in profound ways, and give us direction when we’re facing a painful or challenging crossroads in our lives.
Reflect on a time when a friend’s words did that for you. Maybe it was a decade ago, or maybe it was this morning. In any case, consider reaching out to your friend via note, email, text, or good old fashioned phone call simply to thank them for bringing the soul sweetness of God’s goodness into your life. Your gratitude carries the same scent of heaven that their compassionate listening does.
Next month, we’ll be talking about caregiving. Do you have some wisdom to share? A question for us to pass on? Please click here to shoot us an email.
Hi Afton, I just listened to the conversation you and Michelle had about your move to Colorado. We moved ( third time ) back to Colorado a year ago. We raised our children here and two live nearby. We are in Littleton. There’s more to me than that :), If you want to meet up for coffee or tea one day, let me know.
Laura