No Formulas. No Guarantees.

Those of us who are parents face new and unique challenges as we seek to develop and sustain relationships with our young adult children. No two children, biological or adopted, take the identical path to adulthood. And no two parents will follow an identical path into this new chapter of our parenting journey.

Some of us have children who have given us grandchildren; others of us have adult children who have chosen to remain childless.

Some of us have maturing children who struggle with physical or mental challenges.

Some of us have adult children who continue to pursue the faith in which they were raised; others of us have adult children who have veered widely from the faith path we laid out for them and created their own faith system. Some of us have adult children who have decided that faith in God simply doesn’t matter.

Whatever choices our children make, they will always remain intertwined with our hearts.

As my husband and I watch our children emerge into adulthood, we long for them to learn earlier than we did about the value of surrounding themselves with a team of wise advisors. Life as a young adult oozes with decisions about career, family, faith, finances . . . Talking things through with wise advisors, including peers and those of older generations, can make the difference between a poor decision and a good decision. As we’re invited to do so, we will happily take an advisory seat at the table for our young adult children, but we hope that they’ll ask other wise, experienced people to join us at that table, too.

We also long for our children to seek God’s heart for their life choices. And we pray continually for God to place His wise, kind, helpful people in direct contact with our beloved, becoming-adult children.

May we parents learn to advise with tact and wisdom on an as-requested basis. May we also develop the wisdom to know how and when to step back and let our children grow into their unique selves, despite inevitable pain. And may we parents find the strength to hold them in our prayers no matter what path they choose.

This month, we’re focusing on the topic of navigating life with adult children. Know that you have friends in the Sage Forum community who are learning as we go, too. We’d love to hear from you about your experience. What advice or resources have been most helpful to you in your learning process?

On the journey with you,

Afton Rorvik for the Sage Forum team

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(Not) a Three-Point Formula to Guarantee Fabulous Relationships with Adult Children

by Sharla Fritz

I always tell my friends that having adult children has given me a very sore tongue. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to bite that thing in my mouth to hold back words better left unsaid. (More on that later.)

Relationships with grown children can be tricky. All through the child-rearing years we hope that our parenting methods will turn out capable and independent children. But we also hope that once they’ve moved out of the house that they will still come back to visit. That they will still want to spend time with us. That they will still speak with us.

Sometimes that transition happens smoothly and the parent-child relationship turns into a wonderful friendship. But often the shift from children living under our roof to adults living on their own brings challenges. The kids move far away and the distance strains the parent-child bond. They make lifestyle choices totally different from the values you’ve taught. They still come to family events but barely communicate with you. They abandon faith in God. Worst case scenario, they cut you off completely.

I wish I could give a 3-point formula that would guarantee fabulous relationships with your adult children. But I doubt anything like that exists.

Instead, I offer a few suggestions that have helped me navigate this new phase of relationships with my children.

Hold your tongue. As I said before, I often need to bite my tongue in order to prevent unnecessary words from spilling out. Oh, how I would love to share all the wisdom I’ve gained through my many decades of life. I could show them how my routines would make their life easier. I could point out how our parenting methods differ from theirs. I could suggest cheaper and more efficient ways of doing things. Shouldn’t they want to hear all my ideas?

But then I remember my years as a young adult. I needed to try things on my own. I viewed my parents as out of touch with modern life. I craved the opportunity to experiment and see what worked for me. Our grown children need space to discover their own personalities, gifts, and routines.

Also, when I look at the world today, I realize things have changed. When I applied for jobs after graduating from college, I needed to go to the place of business, fill out an application, and drop off my resume. When my son graduated and I didn’t see him doing any of those things, I thought he was lazy until I found out he had applied for ten jobs in one day on the internet. The world no longer operates the way it did when I was a young adult. Sometimes we need to trust that the way our kids do things fits the current culture.

Instead of pointing out the mistakes my children make, I try to keep silent. I make an effort not to offer advice unless asked. I (mostly) don’t insist on my way. I often bite my tongue.

Cheer them on. Some of the best advice I received when my kids were young was: “Catch your children being good.” Parenting little ones often meant pointing out mistakes. “Don’t chew with your mouth open.” “Don’t slouch—stand up straight.” “We do not say that word in this house!” But they also needed words of affirmation when they got the A on the spelling test, when they won the art show, or remembered to say please and thank you.

Now that my kids are grown, I still try to follow this advice. I make a big deal about the promotion my son gets at work. When he tells me how he’s managing his team, I compliment him on his interpersonal skills. I praise my daughter for her excellent parenting methods and thank her for raising such amazing grandchildren for us to spoil. Sure, I could find things to criticize, but my children are using their God-given gifts to make the world a better place. I want to notice that and affirm their efforts. The world will give them enough criticism. They need a cheerleader—someone who believes in them and roots for them in the game of life.

Pray. Often, when our parent-child relationships seem strained, we don’t know what to do. We’d like to shake some sense into them, get them to see reason, or straighten them out. But we can’t. Sometimes all we can do is pray. And while it makes us feel helpless, leaning on Jesus is the best place to be.

We pray every night for our grown children. We pray for their work. We pray for their family relationships. We pray that God would accomplish His will in their lives, even if His ways might not look good to us or might feel uncomfortable to them. Most of all, we pray that they would wholeheartedly trust God and make Him a priority in their lives.

Lately, I’ve added another prayer. I pray for myself in this changing relationship—that I would be able to see things from my son or daughter’s point of view. That I would notice the good in their lives and cheer them on. That I could help instead of hinder. And that, when necessary, I would hold my tongue.

We all hope for close ties with the amazing humans we raised. And when the relationships with our grown children are uncomfortable, strained, or rocky, we wish for a magic formula to smooth things out. While we can’t find a step-by-step plan that guarantees coffee dates and memorable holidays with our kids, we can start to build relationships through allowing our children space to become their own persons and giving them praise whenever we can. We can pray for their work, their families, and their relationship with God. We can pray for ourselves—asking God to make us into the parents our grown-up kids need now.

Additional resources on the topic of relationships with our adult children:

• Three Ways to Pray for Adult Children

• Parenting Young Adult Children archive at ThePerennialGen.com

• Estranged Adult Children: Resources for Hurting Parents

• Building a Home Out of an Empty Nest

• Parenting is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

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This Month’s Media Picks from the Sage Forum Team

[BOOK] I love learning about spiritual practices that draw me closer to God, so I eagerly picked up the book Becoming Curious: A Spiritual Practice of Asking Questions by Casey Tygrett. I found the book very refreshing. It helped me see that asking questions doesn't necessarily mean that I lack intellect or knowledge. It doesn't mean I have a crisis of faith. God can handle my questions. (SF)

[BOOK] Love Them Well: Supporting Your Loved Ones as They Walk the Road of Infertility by Thelma Nienhuis. I have loved ones who are dealing with infertility, and while I have tried to be supportive and thoughtful, Love Them Well gave practical suggestions for what to say and not say, how to listen well, and encourages us to show your love with our presence. “We must be willing to co-suffer…As in all the says the Christian life is counter-cultural, so too must our response be to sorrow and suffering.” (p. 128) (JA)

[VIDEO–Netflix] Unstable stars Rob Lowe and his real-life son John Owen Lowe in a contemporary comedy with about an eccentric tech guru, his son, and their shared loss. This series features plenty of wry humor (Rob Lowe’s comic timing is pitch-perfect) along with a heartfelt exploration of grief. (MV)

[BOOK] My book club read the novel The Forgotten Life of Eva Gordon by Linda MacKillop in May. It sparked a lively discussion about aging and relationships with younger people. (SF)

[PODCAST] “Tov or Toxic Church? An Interview with Scott McKnight and Laura Barringer,” This episode contains a frank conversation with Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer (Scot’s daughter), the authors of A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing. (Note: Tov is a Hebrew word that means “good”.) They discuss why some churches become toxic, and they issue a prophetic call to develop church cultures of healing, safety, and growth. The whiskey discussion mid-podcast seems a bit odd, but do keep listening for the rich discussion afterward between the hosts, philosopher Kyle Whitaker and pastor Randy Knie. (AR)

[BOOK] The Measure by Nikki Erlick is a novel in which everyone in the world (literally) wakes up one morning to find a box on their doorstep, apartment door, or tent flap, and in it is a measure of string that will tell the individual how long they will live. Of course, everyone freaks out, and of course, it gets political. Some have short strings, some have long strings and some haven’t looked. We see this through the eyes of several characters and it’s interesting to consider how we would react. (JA)

[BOOK] At the Festival of Faith and Writing in 2018, I purchased Leslie Leyland Fields’ just-launched anthology The Wonder Years, then read her books Crossing the Waters, Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers, and her wonderful resource Your Story Matters. To understand her story, however, I needed to start at the beginning: Surviving the Island of Grace. What a story of courage, grit, faith, personal insight and growth! Highly recommended. (CD)

[BOOK] Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived by Karen DeBonis. This is a page-turning memoir about a mother navigating her son’s mysterious symptoms, a flawed healthcare system, and his eventual diagnosis of a brain tumor. After his growth is treated, DeBonis’ real growth begins. She learns who she really is, her strengths and weaknesses, and comes to appreciate the adversity of difficult motherhood that made her a better, humbler, more honest person. My favorite line: “Holding myself accountable is not about guilt but about integrity.” Amen. (CD)

[BOOK] Next: The Power of Reinvention in Life and Work by Joanne Lipman. Decent non-fiction book about people who reinvent themselves and their work at any time in life through searching -> struggling -> stopping -> and -> solution. It is not a Christian book, but many of the concepts are consistent with biblical truth. I found the idea of finding your "Expert Companion" and the importance of resting/sabbatical particularly useful. (JA)

[FREE e-BOOK!] A Kindle version of Sage Forum contributor Afton Rorvik’s excellent Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Friendship will be available to download for FREE June 1 and 2.

What are you reading, watching, or listening to this month, Sages?

New this month on the Sage Forum You Tube channel: Healing Wounds in the Third Stage of Life with Carole Duff

Carole talks with Michelle Van Loon about her journey to come to terms with childhood trauma, and how she discovered a new relationship with God in the process.

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Coming Soon

Watch your inbox for our mid-month Extra–a short burst of soul food from one of our contributors.

Next month’s newsletter will focus on the topic of travel. What has travel taught you about the world, yourself, and God? Where are you going this summer? What destinations are on your bucket list?

Jesus invites each one of us–no matter our age or life stage–to come to him in this way: “People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”’And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.” (Mark 10:13-16)