On Becoming A Prodigal Parent
The first image that comes to my mind when I hear the word “prodigal” is the hard-partying younger son found in Jesus’s beloved parable. And of course, the pride and jealousy fueling the older son’s color-in-the-lines lifestyle is a less salacious but no more noxious way to be a prodigal.
But I’ve come to believe that the father in the story is a prodigal, too. Several commentators have come to the same conclusion. Michael Cheuk wrote:
A common definition of “prodigal” is “lavishly or wastefully extravagant.” While this father does not live a wastefully extravagant life, he does offer a lavish, extravagant, seemingly wasteful love to both of his children. This father does not love either of his sons according to what they deserve. He just loves them, more because of who he is than because of what they’ve done. And despite how many times either child might break his heart, this father continues to give his love away to them.
There are many of us in our Sage years who have seen our young adult children walk away from the church traditions in which they were raised – or have disconnected from faith in Jesus entirely. (They’re not alone. A significant percentage of our own age/life-stage peers are following their children out of the church, which is a topic we’ll tackle in another newsletter.) While there have been numerous studies, books, and think pieces assessing the reasons for this trend, this month we want to offer two simple messages to parents grieving the choices made by their beloved prodigal children:
We see you. You are not alone in this. Several of us who are Sage Forum contributors are on a similar journey.
We want to encourage you to embrace your own role as a prodigal. We “waste” our love on our prodigal children in all kinds of ways that range from prayer to boundary-setting to persevering in hope. Henri Nouwen wrote in his classic The Return of the Prodigal Son a word to every parent of a prodigal: “You're called to become a father who can welcome their children home without asking them any questions and without wanting anything from them in return. Most people around you don’t need you to be a good friend or even a kind brother. We need you to be a father who can claim for himself the authority of true compassion.”
That kind of compassion marks the lives of those who are becoming sage, and it can overflow in beautiful, wasteful ways in every relationship in our lives (yes, including ourselves!) Jesus tells us as we’ve received from him, so are we invited to give and live like a prodigal.
Your sister in the journey,
Michelle Van Loon
When You Love a Prodigal: Immersed in Mercy
by Judy Douglass
When you love a prodigal, your ability to grant mercy can be tested often.
If you have a prodigal, what was the last thing he/she did that really exasperated you?
Lied to you? Stole from you? Drove high or intoxicated? Moved in with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Wouldn’t let you see your grandchildren? Did something foolish and dangerous? Came asking for money again? Yes, and there are many more possibilities.
What was your response? I will let you name your own. What was the last thing you did that might have frustrated God—or saddened Him?
Probably not the obviously foolish or destructive things your prodigal might have done. But God is saddened by many of our choices in response to our loved ones or to other events and circumstances in our lives: anger, hurtful words, harsh punishments, fear, lack of trust, deceit, lack of kindness or compassion, unloving, impatient. It could be a long list.
And what was God’s response? Here are some of Jesus’ responses:
The woman at the well: Jews always avoided going through Samaria, but Jesus “had to go through Samaria.” Why? He had an appointment to keep, with a questionable woman. Five husbands, now living with a man not her husband. Jesus knew all this. Yet He talked to her—a Samaritan, a woman, a sinner. The shame of it. He told her what He knew, but He didn’t condemn. Instead He offered her living water and a changed life. (John 4)
The thief on the cross: An evil man, certainly, to have earned crucifixion as punishment for his crimes. Yet, even as he is dying, he asks for mercy from Jesus. Jesus could have said, “It’s too late. You have lived a terrible life. You are only repenting now because you are afraid.” But no, Jesus said, “Today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:38-43)
The woman caught in adultery: They surely had set up the “caught in the act” shaming of this woman. Dragged from her bed apparently and thrust at the feet of Jesus, she awaited His condemnation—and her own death. “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone,” He said. She cringed, anticipating. Nothing but the sound of stones dropping to the ground and feet shuffling away. “Has no one accused you or thrown a stone?” “No, Rabbi, no one has,” the amazed woman replied. “Neither do I,” Jesus said gently. “Go and sin no more.”
And you and I? Surely we too often find ourselves crying out to God for mercy as David did after his sin with Bathsheba: “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions…” (Psalm 51:1)
We are grateful that our God is like the merciful father in Luke 15: As the prodigal wanderer returned, before he could even speak his repentance, the father ran to him, threw his arms around him, kissed him, put a cloak and a ring on him and threw a party.
Our God loves mercy. And He is willing to immerse us in His mercy:
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” (Ephesians 2:4-5)
“But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.” (Nehemiah 9:31)
“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8)
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. (Matthew 5:7)
“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)
“The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” (James 5:11)
Yes, God is opposed to sin. And sin generates consequences—some that are the natural result of choices made, others that we impose.
But our primary response should be one that flows out of the love and grace we have received. Even as we have been immersed in the mercy of our God, so should we seek to give mercy to our prodigals.
We should be less like the Pharisees dragging in the woman caught in adultery and more like the very-wronged father who ran to his prodigal son.
May we live in this truth: “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13)
Judy Douglass is a Sage Forum contributor. She’s the author of the life-giving book entitled When You Love a Prodigal: 90 Days of Grace for the Wilderness, host of a well-regarded podcast about prodigals, facilitator of a global day of prayer for prodigals, and a beloved speaker, encourager, and wise woman.
A few additional resources on the topic of prodigals:
Author Mary DeMuth has recently released Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids With Joy. Sage Forum contributor Carole Duff had a chance to read an advance copy of the book and said, “Using the love passage in 1 Corinthians 13, DeMuth explicates each of the ‘loves,’ building layer upon layer of deep understanding and Christ-centered advice about the very human relationship between parents and children. ‘There are no guarantees that our kids will be all that we hoped they would be. But we do serve a God who loves them and stands ready to forgive and welcome them. There’s peace in that knowledge.’”
Carole has penned her own blog reflection on the topic of prodigals here.
The Atlantic has a piece discussing the rising trend of family estrangement.
Christianity Today ran a poignant piece about the long wait for a prodigal’s return.
This month’s spiritual practice:
Some of you may have gotten together with other moms when your kids were in elementary or high school to pray for those kids, their teachers, and their friends. This might have taken place informally with a handful of friends from your church or neighborhood, or as part of an intercessory network like Moms In Prayer (formerly known as Moms In Touch).
If you know other parents of adult children, why not consider convening a weekly or monthly prayer group focused on praying for them? We wrote about one such group here. Bearing one another’s burdens in prayer lightens the weight of concern each one of us carries for our adult children, and can be a profound place of support and connection with other women.
Speaking of support…
One of the goals for The Sage Forum is to facilitate connection among women in the second half of their lives. In addition to sponsoring online events like last month’s online book club discussion, it is also our mission to spotlight local efforts happening around the country. One woman recently told me that the sense of community that often happens naturally among women who are raising children falls by the wayside as women and their children get older. When you’re raising kids, you’re in relationship with other moms through church, school, or sports.
But nurturing community among women in their Wonder Years requires intention, and is not dependent on having children. There is room aplenty in our Sage-age communities for women who have never been parents, women who are alone, women who are struggling to find friends, women learning to raise their voices, and women with life and experience to share. Here are some great examples of different kinds of Sage groups:
A church in Tulsa put together a monthly gathering for second-half women that features a speaker who tackles a topic relevant to this life stage: caregiving, empty nest, medical issues, and more.
Encore Ladies is an Austin, TX group for women in the “Afternoon of Life” (50ish-70ish) who are seeking God's wisdom as they continue to grow and flourish into the women he created them to be. They say of themselves, “His Light continues to shine on us and we have Encore acts ahead. . . growing, serving, healing, loving, and pouring into the next generation. “
Saucer Sisters is a closed discipleship/friendship group in FL. These women have journeyed through life together for 25 years. They say their cups are so overflowing that they are drinking from the saucer. They used to meet monthly and have a retreat each year, but health challenges and deaths of a couple of group members have changed the rhythm of gathering, but not the commitment to one another.
Michelle has been a part of two different conversation groups over the last few years. This link gives more detail about how a group like this can function, and why it has been such a benefit to her.
Book clubs - A great book club can be a powerful point of connection with other women.
Bible studies – Often intergenerational in composition, a well-run Bible study can offer an opportunity to think together about Scripture and the Jesus-following life with others.
Are you a part of a gathering of Sage Women in your area? We’d love to hear about it!
Next month, we’ll be talking about discovering or recovering a sense of purpose as we move into the later stages of our lives. Got thoughts or questions on the topic? Something you’d like us to address? Contact us here.
We’ve got plans in the works for another online book club, as well as a half-day seminar coming in early 2023 on the topic of writing in the second half of life. Stay tuned!
“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:13-14)
Thanks for the boatload of resources and ideas!