Sandwiched like a panini
If you a caregiver, you are in good company.
A 2020 study commissioned by AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving found that nearly 1 in 5 Americans has been an unpaid caregiver for another adult. Another recent study found that more than 2 million grandparents are the primary caregivers for their grandchildren. Rosalyn Carter once said, “There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.”
A lot of us in our sage years find ourselves pressed by caregiving responsibilities between the generations in our families as if we were a sandwich in a panini grill.
We may be pressed by the needs of aging parents and children/grandchildren. We may be weighted down by the competing demands of providing care for a loved one while battling our own health issues. We may feel the tug of workplace responsibilities while juggling yet another medical crisis for an aging parent. The heat and pressure of caregiving makes some of us in our sage years the panini generation.
In my own experience as a caregiver, I found that glib statements made by others such as “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” added extra weight to my soul instead of relieving it. Frankly, caregiving was at times more than I could handle! Saying so in prayer, and in honest conversation with supportive friends reminded me that I wasn’t alone, even when I staggered under the pressure of responsibilities. Jesus is near to the broken-hearted, the marginalized, the ill, the helpless, the suffering, the dying. And he is near to caregivers, nearer, perhaps than we can comprehend when we’re up to our elbows in the day-to-day.
While a single newsletter can not address all of the different aspects of caregiving, you’ll find in this month’s newsletter empathy and insight from a few who’ve been there, along with some helpful links to a few other encouraging resources. We’ve also got some great book and video recommendations, and info about our first Zoom book club. Hope you’ll join us for that!
Shalom, Sages!
Michelle Van Loon
Who Cares Anyway?
by Rachel Campbell
The first time I read my Myers-Briggs profile it was as if it had been written specifically about me – an ESFJ: ‘The Caregiver’! Coupled with the fact that I’m a hard-wired doer, it seems that I’m an act-now, think-later caregiver who, in the many care needs that are presented to me, will be most fulfilled caring for others.
Except, nothing is that simple. An ESFJ is a planner but one who, in the role of a caregiver, is required to respond to the sudden and unpredictable needs and wellbeing of others. Personally, I have found this inability to plan a frustration that rather undermines the fulfilment I get as a caregiver and drains my caregiving resources. That frustration has often made me feel as if I’m living a reactive rather than a proactive life, a life hedged in and stifled by caring.
We caregivers endure much – sleep deprivation, emotional and physical fatigue, financial limitations, ever-present anxiety, and neglected marriages and friendships. Statistically, most care providers, whether in paid or unpaid roles, are women, and studies show that women are frequently talked over with little recognition given to their lived expertise. This makes effective advocacy, an intrinsic component of caregiving, difficult and demoralising. On occasions I’ve asked my husband to accompany me to critical medical appointments, not because he understands the situation better than I do – he doesn’t – but because I know that his presence will afford me greater respect and airtime.
Then there’s guilt. Am I doing, can I ever do, enough for this precious one who has so much need? And if we’re the caregivers of children or young people with chronic physical and/or mental health needs, how do we also nurture their siblings who are themselves thrust into the role of caring? How can a loving marriage be maintained when we’re, as the hymnist says, ‘cumbered with a load of care’? And how can we balance caring for still dependent children when our parents get to the stage of also needing support? Then, for those of us who are married, how do we deal with the reality that one of us is likely to become (or is already) a caregiver for our spouse?’
There are so many difficult questions to answer and perhaps the most difficult of all – where is God in all this?
I would love to be able to sit with you face-to-face and swap stories. I would testify to God’s presence and provision during our family’s darkest times; tell you how, when our son fought for his life following his almost fatal presentation of Type 1 Diabetes, God’s goodness was revealed in remarkable ways; tell of God’s kindness at critical points since – the miraculous way that opened for us to transfer our son’s care from the increasingly inadequate local hospital to a more progressive and nurturing hospital a distance away; how after my Mum’s recent dementia diagnosis God has shown His tangible goodness through the provision of a loving care home for her.
Recalling God’s past faithfulness lays the foundation not only for our own present and future but also offers hope for those we care for. A few years ago, one of our daughters developed appendicitis in circumstances that closely mirrored our son’s traumatic Type 1 diagnosis several years before. I panicked … until I remembered how God had proved trustworthy through that previous ordeal and so could be trusted again in the present crisis.
It is in remembering that we can counteract the feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy that can accompany caregiving. Those times when God seems remote, less a loving and more an absent Father; times when, as Annie Johnson Flint puts it, we’ve reached ‘the end of our hoarded resources’ – but times that call us to cast our cares upon our God who cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).
In addition to recalling God’s past provision in our own lives, we can also turn to the biblical accounts of God’s care for His people. I have found much comfort in Hagar’s second desert encounter with God (Gen 21). Hagar has already been afforded the privilege of being the first person in Scripture to name God: ‘You are the God Who sees me’ (Gen 16:13). Yet this intimacy with the One Who sees her doesn’t remove her troubles. If anything her burdens intensify for now she has a child to care for. Abandoned in the desert and with all her resources spent, Hagar gives up and puts Ishmael to one side to die. Then the One who sees sends an angel to comfort and strengthen her, encouraging her to resume her caregiving responsibilities: ‘Lift the boy up and take him by the hand’ (Gen 21:18). Her eyes are then opened to the life-sustaining refreshment of a spring in the desert, the very means by which she can keep on keeping on.
Hagar’s story demonstrates the biblical heart of caregiving, and it is a collaborative heart; God and us in it together. It is the sanctified intersection between God’s sovereignty and our human efforts. Like Hagar God calls us to do but we are not burdened with doing everything. For in those times of desperate loneliness, of overwhelming weariness, times when we’ve used up all our resources and are tempted to give up, He is the One Who sees, the One who refreshes. Caregiving therefore becomes the means by which God’s steadfast, faithful, loving character is gloriously revealed; the sanctified collaboration through which we find our ultimate God-given fulfilment.
7 Tips for Caring for Carers
1. Practice self-care. It is not unspiritual to care for our physical and mental wellbeing. By ‘putting the oxygen mask’ on ourselves first we will be better carers
2. Surround yourself with people who get it!
3. Cultivate a small group of people who pray for you.
4. Compile a short agenda for appointments, itemizing what needs to be discussed, and working through it during the appointment.
5. Walk into appointments with your head held high, wearing the clothes, shoes and even make-up that help you feel confident. You are the expert on your loved one!
6. Accept imperfection. You won’t always get everything right and your best is enough.
7. Remember He is the God of your past, present and future.
Rachel Campbell writes for us from her home in England. Click here to learn more about her ministry.
Caregiving thoughts from a few of our readers
Be sure to allow yourself some "me" time, as caretaking can be emotionally draining. - Charm
Being a nurse gave me scientific knowledge, being a Christian gave me a heart for my work. But when my mother developed dementia thanks to medications adversely affecting her and causing irreversible encephalopathy, I was not prepared at all. It was a complicated mixture of feelings ranging from frustration at the dilemma, anger at God because He didn’t just take her instead of having her go through the anguish of hallucinations and losing her memory, to sorrow that I had broken a promise to her that she would never be in a nursing home when we had to do just that. – Shauna
Don't try to take it on all on your own. Seek help. - Michael
Make sure you take time for yourself, too. And don't be afraid to ask for help from others. - Carol
Don't feel guilty if you have to get someone to help who is more qualified. It could mean better safety for you and your loved one. – Catherine
Have a well discussed game plan and expectations CLEARLY defined and agreed on by all those involved in a caregiving arrangement. – Teri
I've been coming alongside my parents for 20+ years now, and I would say my #1 mistake is acting in my own strength and not asking the Lord first what He wants me to do and not do. This mistake has cost me undue burnout, beyond what would be normal after this long a time. – Jane, who has blogged about her experiences here.
A few more helpful links:
The beatitudes and a prayer for caregivers
Caregiver.com - a comprehensive website for caregivers
6 practical ways you can support a caregiver in your life
AARP’s caregiver resource portal
What we’re reading and watching right now
The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder–A timeless morality tale about human nature, faith, and love—the only meaning. A masterpiece. (CD)
Fearing Bravely: Risking Love for Our Neighbors, Strangers and Enemies by Catherine McNiel–McNiel wrestles deeply with this question: "What would it look like in our real lives if we followed Jesus? Not just as wearing a nametag 'Christian,' but as an active decision--a way to live?" (AR)
Garden Maker: Growing a Life of Beauty and Wonder with Flowers by Christie Purifoy– Faith informs the beauty Christie Purifoy captures in words and photographs. (CD)
The Authority Gap: Why Women Are Taken Less Seriously Than Men and What We Can Do About It by Mary Ann Sieghart–Journalist Sieghart presents a solid, challenging and somewhat disturbing case for the inherent societal biases that prevent greater numbers of women becoming leaders. (RC)
Shtisel (Netflix, 3 seasons) – If you don’t mind reading subtitles for a show performed in Hebrew and Yiddish, this unexpected Netflix hit series will reward you with an insider’s take on a fictional Orthodox Jewish community in Jerusalem, following the Shtisel family through love, loss, and change. (MV)
What are you reading, watching, or listening to right now?
"Michelle Van Loon's words welcome us to behold our beautiful and broken family history through a redemptive lens, assuring us that we are indeed part of God's good work!" –Bestselling author Dorena Williamson
Our first Sage Forum Book Club is slated for September 8th, 15th, and 22nd at 7 PM Eastern time. Michelle Van Loon will be leading three interactive sessions via Zoom surrounding the content of my latest book. We’ll explore why our unique family history matters, take a look at the effect of trauma and challenge in our family’s past, and talk about the gift of legacy we are creating now with our lives. Purchase of the book is recommended, but not required, and there is no charge for this event.
Click here before 5 PM on Thursday, September 8th to register.
This month’s spiritual practice
He says, '“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” – Ps. 46:10
It seems counterintuitive to “be still” (literally, to relax or to sink) when there is so much to do. The psalmist links this kind of stillness with a deep, intimate trust that God reigns. The verse comes in the context of a psalm that celebrates God’s saving work in this world.
Amidst the press of our daily responsibilities, “relaxing” can sound self-indulgent, frivolous, or…well…impossible. However, this passage isn’t about taking a time out from this world, but maintaining a posture of trust right where you are.
Many of us are in the habit of meeting God through Bible reading, prayer, or service (we see you, caregivers). To be still in his presence for even a few minutes without producing words or works can be challenging if you’re used to “doing” your spiritual life. Try taking even five minutes during the next days simply to sink into his presence and be. That intentional choice for a few moments of “non-productive” stillness can be a place to restore your soul and grow your trust in him.
Coming next month in The Sage Forum newsletter: Wisdom for relating to the spiritual wanderers and prodigals in our families. Got a story or insight to share on the topic? Click here to email us.
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. (Ps. 145:18)