Some Straight Talk About Navigating Disappointment
Have you ever heard the sound of disappointment?
It tangles your head like a winter rose.
Comes up eager and shining
And it likes to leave a scar before it goes.From “Here Comes That Sinking Feeling” by Eurythmics
By the second half of life, we are well acquainted with disappointment. Disappointment discourages, causes regret, and can even destabilize faith. Why is it that disappointments are so debilitating even for mature believers?
British pastor and author Paul Mallard defines disappointment as, “… the sadness we feel when our hopes are shattered and our expectations fail to be realized. It is a subjective response to painful circumstances.”
Actor and businessman Ryan Reynolds, makes the same connection between expectation and disappointment: “When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.” The Enlightenment poet Alexander Pope put it more cynically: “Blessed is the man who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed”.
So, what are these expectations that so often lead to discouragement and even spiritual disillusionment?
First, there are what I’m going to term ‘active’ disappointments. These arise from the expectations that we place on ourselves and involve experiences which we might have had some control over – things said or unsaid, done or undone. Some of the disappointing choices we make, though frustrating and draining in the moment, are reasonably inconsequential in the longer term. Then there are those times when our careless words and actions wound others. Though the recipient of our thoughtlessness is able to move on, we torment ourselves with replaying the incident over and over again. And there are other active disappointments, such as those in the areas of career or marriage, that have lifelong consequences.
Then there are what I’m going to call ‘passive’ disappointments, those things said or done, not by us but, to us. Though individual experiences may be minor, when the same or similar happens again (and again and again!), the consequences can be devastating. The depth of this passive disappointment is also directly related to who it is who has let us down or hurt us. Paul Mallard said, “The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment”.
One example of passive disappointment that a good number of Sage Forum readers may share is that of disappointment in church leadership. We have expectations that our church leaders will be just, faithful, committed to spiritual growth, and invested in care for the most vulnerable. When they fail to meet those expectations, either in their treatment of us personally or by their (sometimes even abusive) behavior more generally, the spiritual, emotional, and sometimes even physical impact upon us is enormous. Some of my deepest and most enduring disappointments and hurts have been inflicted by those entrusted with my spiritual care. These kinds of disappointments raise good questions about how a person set apart to study and preach God’s Word can be so immune to its truth. They also can translate into deep and lasting disappointment with God Himself – which is the greatest disappointment of all.
There are no easy remedies for spiritual disillusionment. But there are things that have guided me as I continue to learn how to navigate disappointment. I have found that pretending as if nothing has happened keeps me stuck. Instead, honestly acknowledging the nature and legitimacy of the injuries positions me to move forward. As I do this, I discover that disappointment does not have to define my story.
By this point in our lives, we may have been battered by multiple and ongoing disappointments, recognizing that even more are likely to come our way, but we are also the recipients of God’s cumulative blessings. Preacher Charles Spurgeon observed, “We are prone to engrave our trials in marble and write our blessings in sand.” Remembering those blessings is one way I can begin to reclaim hope, a much more reliable compass on my journey with God than disappointment will ever be.
Sage contributor Dorothy Greco has some practical additional insight on disappointment, below. We’ve got a few other recommended resources on the subject, as well as a roundup of media picks and more. But we’d love to hear from you on the topic, too. What ideas or practices have helped you grow through disappointment? What kinds of things have you found unhelpful?
In hope, with gratitude,
Rachel Campbell, for the Sage Forum team
Not So Great Expectations
Everyone experiences disappointment from time to time. How we deal with it—particularly if it’s ongoing—can make or break us and our relationships.
Disappointment comes in many shades and textures. It could be something minor like the AirBnB looking infinitely better online than it does IRL. (This is very common for me!) Maybe we experience disappointment when we realize our co-workers don’t take the mission of our work or church as seriously we do. I’ve experienced disappointment upon realizing that a new friend didn’t share my interest in going deeper. There’s no shortage of reasons why we might feel disappointed.
Despite its commonality, disappointment looks different on each of us. When I’m in the throes of disappointment, my first response is to eddy around regret. (Why did I choose this AirBnB?) I somehow falsely believe that if I cycle back through the process, the fatal flaw in my logic will appear and I will then be able to avoid making the same mistake ever again. (FYI: this is ridiculous and a waste of time and energy.) My second response tends to be a sort of spine drooping, foot shuffling, mopey form of discouragement. I might spend an hour or a day in this space depending on the magnitude of my disappointment.
Thankfully, I’m much quicker to identify disappointment these days. In fact, I like to think of myself as a disappointment expert. (This has not increased my annual income or brought in any type of notoriety, which of course is… disappointing!)
Once we have learned to identify what disappointment looks like on us, then we need to trace it back to its source: typically our expectations. We feel disappointed when our expectations are dashed or thwarted. Sometimes we don’t even know that we had expectations until we feel disappointed, which is why it’s so important for us to recognize what disappointment looks like.
For the first decade of my marriage, I experienced significant disappointment. I’m married to an exceptionally creative, intelligent, communicative, wonderful man. He also has a trauma background and ADHD, neither of which we understood early on. Some of the things I most wanted—which were all totally reasonable—were quite difficult for him, not because he didn’t care but because of his childhood experiences.
I honestly didn’t realize I entered marriage with a suitcase full of expectations. It wasn’t until we kept having the same fight over and over again that I realized maybe the problem was that I was holding unrealistic expectations for him and I needed to recalibrate. This is not easy. It involves having many clarifying conversations and a willingness to both negotiate and let go. (To be clear, some expectations should never be jettisoned in marriage like fidelity, honesty, respect, etc.)
Disappointment is also often connected to powerlessness. So much of life, particularly as we age, is utterly out of our control. I’m disappointed that after twenty-three years, I still have chronic health issues. Other than continuing to exercise and adhere to a very rigid diet, there’s little I can to do regain the health I once had. (Believe me, I’ve tried.) I’m disappointed that—despite our hard work and frugality—my husband and I have so little in our savings account. Such scenarios require that we lean into our heavenly Father and learn how to trust more deeply. (Also not easy.)
Regardless of the cause or how it manifests, if we fail to recognize and address the cause of our disappointment, it can lead to resentment, bitterness, and even depression. By learning how to identify it, address any underlying issues, and establish reality-based expectations, we can learn the important lessons disappointment means to teach us.
Additional reads on the topic of disappointment
Rachel Campbell suggests these two titles by Paul Mallard: Invest Your Suffering: Unexpected Intimacy With a Loving God and Invest Your Disapointments: Going For Growth
A modern classic on the topic is Philip Yancey’s Disappointment With God: Three Questions No One Asks Aloud
Sage contributor Judy Allen has an excellent reflection on the relationship between disappointment and hope here.
Michelle Van Loon wrote here about some of the ways in which people process their disappointment with church.
March Media Picks From The Sage Team
[BOOK] Nourishing Narratives: The Power of Story to Shape Our Faith by Jennifer L. Holberg. Drawing from literature, the Bible, and her own life, Holberg guides her readers to think about enough-ness, grace, service—as in the story of Martha and Mary—community, and the challenge and comfort of love and hope. This book is a gem. (CD)
[BOOK] The Kingdom, the Power and the Glory: American Evangelicals in an Age of Extremism by Tim Alberta. A disturbing but necessary book about the depth of political idolatry in the USA today. (JA) P.S. from Michelle Van Loon: Alberta is a gifted journalist and a committed Evangelical. His reporting is careful and solid, and his insightful observations are worth gathering a group of friends to discuss as we move through this year’s U.S. election and beyond. Highly recommend.
[BOOK] Within These Walls of Sorrow by Amanda Barratt. Based on real-life events, it tells the story of a young woman working in a pharmacy in the Jewish ghetto of Krakow during WWII and how she aims to help her Jewish friends. (SF)
[VIDEO–Netflix] American Symphony. This documentary focuses on a season in Jon Batiste’s life as he writes and then performs in a totally new form of music. It’s a very vulnerable and encouraging watch. (DG)
[BOOK] Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will by Kevin DeYoung. The book lives up to its subtitle. I found this book both refreshing and informative. (SF)
[BOOK] The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir by Katrina Kenison. A beautifully-told story of midlife journeys and gratitude. (CD)
[BOOK] American Harvest: God, Country and Farming in the Heartland by Marie Matsuki Mockett. Mockett, a writer from California whose family owns a farm in Nebraska, decides to spend a summer with wheat harvesters to understand the difference between people in the city and people in the country, those with traditional values compared to those on the coasts with more progressive values. It’s an honest look at different perspectives. (JA)
[VIDEO–Amazon Prime] Northern Exposure.ran on network TV from 1990-95. This quirky “fish out of water” ensemble dramedy features a New York City doctor who winds up in small town Alaska. It’s aged fairly well over the last three decades, due in large part to the one-of-a-kind characters and the philosophical bent to the writing. (MV)
[BOOK] What You Are Looking For Is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama. Very good novel, written in Japan, about a librarian who helps people take the next steps toward their future in unusual ways. (JA)
What are you reading, watching, and/or listening to this month?
Growing Sage In Community
Do you have an informal group of friends with whom you share your struggles, joys, and questions? Are you a part of a more formal gathering that stretches you, like a book club, conversation group, or Bible study? Do you meet with a spiritual director or mentor? We love hearing about relationships that cultivate wisdom, learning, and meaningful fellowship. Our friend Judy Douglass has been in ministry leadership for decades and traveled the world, but it is her group of local “Saucer Sisters” that keeps her grounded. Read about her group here. And tell us about what you’re doing–or the kind of group you wish existed in your church or community–by clicking here.
Speaking of community, we love sharing great conversations with you, too. Sage contributor Judy Allen, who has focused her writing ministry on helping readers reimagine retirement, had a very meaningful discussion with Sage Carole Duff. Check it out!
Coming in next month’s issue: The “P” word (Politics) and courageous, charitable disagreement.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. —Psalm 42:11
Photos by Kelly Sikkema, freestocks, hristina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash