A Letter to Loss
Most of us discover that the losses start to accumulate in number and intensity as we move into the second half of our lives. These losses include deaths of friends and family members, but can also include lots of other things such as health, friendships, career opportunities, finances, and church relationships.
While loss doesn’t make us automatically wise or mature, it is rare to meet a sage person who hasn’t been refined by loss. In this issue of our newsletter, we’re privileged to share an insightful engagement with the subject of loss written by Sharla Fritz, who recently lost her 91-year-old mother. As you read her words, consider what sort of letter might you write to Loss.
This newsletter also features February media picks from our team, and a quick poll about what kinds of social media tools you’re using these days. Read on!
We are grateful for you, Sages!
Michelle Van Loon for the Sage Forum Team
A Letter to Loss
by Sharla Fritz
In my younger years, I never expected you to come around so often. Sure, Loss, you visited once in a while when a friend moved away or I lost an opportunity I desired.
But now I seem to encounter you at every corner. First, you visited when family life changed. My children grew up and moved far away. Although we still have close emotional ties, the physical distance has meant the loss of frequent contact.
Next, I encountered you on Career Avenue. Although I haven’t officially retired, I have experienced the sting of ageism and the loss of certain career opportunities.
You showed up on Health Road when my husband and I both received serious diagnoses from our doctors. The loss of health hits hard.
As I look ahead, I can see other places where I will surely encounter you. As we age, you often take away people’s homes, independence, and loved ones.
All that said, the impact of your latest blow has hit me hard.
Loss, whenever you come around, my initial reaction is to run the other way—to find some way to escape the loss. But, of course, this is usually impossible. You are relentless. Since that approach doesn’t work, my next strategy involves trying to buck up and carry on. If I keep busy, maybe I won’t notice the ache in my heart. Plus, the world around me claims that positive thinking can defeat anything you throw my way. So I find myself looking for silver linings and shoving down any sad or disturbing emotions. After all, I’m a strong 21st-century woman. I should be able to handle any setback.
Unfortunately, I’ve found this rarely works. The more I try to ignore the loss, the more it haunts me. The more I try to suppress the sadness and grief, the more it erupts in angry outbursts. The more I try to turn my back on my swirling thoughts, the more they morph into guilt over not being able to handle this loss.
So, Loss, you know what? Instead of trying to ignore the impact you have had on my life, I’m going to take some time to face you. Instead of attempting to tamp down my feelings about what you’ve taken from me, I’m going to confront you.
I will allow myself time to grieve this loss. Yes, I am a strong 21st-century woman because of Christ living in me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I live in a broken world. This loss has hit me hard and I need time to acknowledge that. I will give myself permission to mourn, lament, and even cry. Somewhere I heard that tears are good for you—they release soothing chemicals in our brains. So if I need to weep, I will—without feeling guilty about being weak.
I will sit down and write about my losses. I will name the emotions that emerge because of what you have taken. Somehow, the act of putting a label on what I feel tames the swirling thoughts and boiling emotions. I can accept that God not only gave me a body that moves but a mind that thinks and a heart that feels. I can examine those thoughts and feelings in the safe place of His presence, where He will help me untangle them.
I will find a friend to talk to. Loss, I know you often try the strategy of isolation. But I will fight against that and find someone with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. I know that talking about the loss and the accompanying emotions will be hard but will also bring healing.
Most of all, I will listen to what my Savior speaks to me in His Word. I’ll admit that right now Scripture often feels like dust to my thirsty heart, but I will not ignore God’s words to me.
I will cry along with the psalmist:
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:5)
I will cling to the promise that:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
I will look forward to the day when:
[God] will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:4)
Loss, I acknowledge your presence in this world. I will take time to mourn your latest blow. I will examine my emotions in God’s loving presence. But I will also rejoice that in the end—you, Loss, will lose and God will reign in joy and peace forever.
Additional resources about loss and grief:
In the wake of a death, many have been helped by being a part of a GriefShare support group. Click here to find a group in your area. Your local hospice organization may also offer support groups and other resources, too.
AtALoss.org is a UK-based organization that offers a wide variety of resources for all kinds of losses.
A wise Christian counselor from Australia offers some wise thoughts on how individuals and churches can come alongside someone who is grieving with sensitivity and compassion.
Sage Forum contributor Carole Duff writes about three graces revealed to her in loss.
Classics on the subject of grief includes Disappointment with God: Three Questions No One Asks Out Loud and Where Is God When It Hurts?, both by Philip Yancey, and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. A new title, As Long As You Need: Permission To Grieve by hospital chaplain J.S. Park may well join this list of classics.
What resources have been helpful to you as you’ve navigated loss?
February Media Picks From The Sage Team
[VIDEO-Netflix] If you enjoy taut spy thrillers, The Night Agent might be right up your alley. The two seasons of this series follow the story of a low-level government operative who is drawn into a complicated web of international intrigue. (MV)
[BOOK] The Mythmakers: The Remarkable Fellowship of J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis by John Hendrix. A graphic non-fiction book about C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien’s personalities, life histories, relationship, and writing. (JA)
[BOOK] Holiness Here: Searching for God in the Ordinary Events of Everyday Life by Karen Stiller. I’d never thought about holiness as in the same category as discipleship, but Stiller describes it simply as moving closer to Christ, which makes perfect sense. Holiness always seems to be unreachable, beyond me, and it probably is, but we can move closer to Jesus, which makes us more holy. (JA)
[PODCAST] The Economics of Everyday Things is a breezy, informative look at the stories behind prosaic items in our lives ranging from hotel art to pistachios. (MV)
[BOOKS] The Seven Sisters Series by Lucinda Riley. Based on the star constellation Pleiades, Lucinda Riley intricately weaves strong storytelling with a mystery that keeps you hooked through her 8-book series. I loved these books! (RC)
[BOOK] If Only: Letting Go of Regret by Sage Forum’s own Michelle Van Loon. Regret, an unavoidable result of loss, and an opportunity to redeem an undivided heart. By sharing some of her experiences, Michelle walks her readers through the process of recognizing regret and letting it go. Highly recommended. (CD)
[PODCAST] Sons of Patriarchy. Host Peter Bell does a deep dive into the world of the strict patriarchal approach to Christianity by exploring the influence and effect of the teaching of firebrand pastor Doug Wilson. This podcast isn’t always easy listening, but his thoughtful approach and mix of guests make this worth a listen, especially if you’ve been in a church aligned with Wilson’s teaching. (MV)
Tell us what you are reading, listening to, or watching this month?
Poll
Many of us are reevaluating what social media tools we are using these days. We get it! What kinds of social media are serving your needs right now? Or have you chosen to disconnect from most of it? If it is the latter, feel free to leave us a comment.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those whose spirits are crushed. –Ps. 34:18 CEB
Photos by Veit Hammer, Trent Erwin, Csongor Schmutc on Unsplash
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Thank you, Sharla, for so winsomely encouraging us to converse with loss rather than running from it.
I can't seem to click on the poll. I use email, Substack, Facebook and Instagram. I have not gone to Bluesky and I have stopped using Twitter/X. (Side note: I followed JS Parks on Twitter and I ordered his book through your link above.)
So much good stuff in this post! I'm afraid my letter to loss would not be worded so kindly or eloquently. In fact, it would be a two word text: "You stink."